


Angel on Fire

by SlumberingCats



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anorexia, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:06:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlumberingCats/pseuds/SlumberingCats
Summary: This is a vent. Please, read the tags. This fic of mine is covering or mentions heavy topics. Yes, I'm okay, so please don't worry. I just needed to get some feelings out. I wrote this a month ago and thought I could post it. If you need help, please seek it. There are multiple hotlines, both ones you can text and call, that have people who would be more than happy to help you. Confide in friends or someone you trust. It is going to be okay and it is okay to seek help. It doesn't make you any less of a person or "weak".Also, no, I do not smoke weed or anything. I never have.





	Angel on Fire

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent. Please, read the tags. This fic of mine is covering or mentions heavy topics. Yes, I'm okay, so please don't worry. I just needed to get some feelings out. I wrote this a month ago and thought I could post it. If you need help, please seek it. There are multiple hotlines, both ones you can text and call, that have people who would be more than happy to help you. Confide in friends or someone you trust. It is going to be okay and it is okay to seek help. It doesn't make you any less of a person or "weak".
> 
> Also, no, I do not smoke weed or anything. I never have.

Lilith slowly woke up on her living room floor, raising up as a sharp pain shot through her head. The soft hum of the radio filled what would have been an otherwise silent void as she looked around. The first and immediate thing she noticed was the amount of bottles both broken and perfectly intact littered the floor. Slowly, she recounted the events of the previous evening. Lilith remembered that she was alone, drinking. That was nothing new, that’s how all of her evenings went. It wasn’t long before she remembered that her horrible, self destructive thoughts visited her while she slept. She wasn’t stirred awake, though. 

Should that have scared her? Whatever. Lilith sluggishly got to her feet and trudged to the bathroom, searching a cabinet for Tylenol at best. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Absolutely horrifying as she gently touched the glass as if her very touch could melt away the reflection she saw. Her cheeks were sunken, her eyes puffy from crying for hours the night before. Lilith’s once vibrant pink hair was fading, clinging to her face as it was unwashed. No motivation to really tend to herself. Another thing she noticed about herself, She tried to remember the  _ why _ , mostly. She carelessly swallowed a few pills of Tylenol before taking a gulp of sink water and trudging off to the kitchen. On the way, she knocked a bottle a bit further away. She yawned, eyeing things she could make breakfast with. 

Even with the available materials, she chose a cup of coffee over it instead. Lilith’s mind danced, screaming at her for not eating while at the same time congratulating her for it. It was as conflicting as it sounded. She jumped at the sound of her phone buzzing. Her stomach lurched as she headed towards the phone that rested next to her TV. She felt selfish. It was probably a text inviting her out from Felix, or maybe Kiyoteru. It was possibly even Cora, Nari, or Felicity. Lilith had to admit, she didn’t feel like putting on her “happy, centerpiece” mask. It wasn’t her. A figure took shape beside her, its cold hands wrapping themselves around her waist. “You know, you  _ could _ go out and pretend some more. But for how much longer?” Lilith groaned and shooed it away as she picked up her phone. 

As she suspected. It was Cora this time, surprisingly. The text was asking if she wanted to go for a walk and catch up. Lilith tilted her head, a small smile forming as the mask began to appear. Just how far had the real her faded? Whatever. It didn’t matter, not to her. Lilith hastily replied that she would join her tomorrow, claiming she wasn’t feeling well enough today to do it. The soft hum of the radio played different songs of a wide variety as if lulling her back into the room to relax by herself. Lilith’s mind ran wild, trying to convince her to cancel the plans she had made. It occurred to her that Anxiety came to have a little dance with her for a moment.

Lilith remembered when she would perform on stage for millions, trying to make the world happy. Is that where this started? She scoffed to herself and sipped her coffee. That wasn’t when she plunged herself into the drowning pool of her own depression. She danced with her demons, the ones she should have been afraid of. However, the party with the single demon grew into one with two, followed by a third, and then a fourth, and it grew. She had named them all, or, maybe it was society that named them all for her. Loneliness, Anxiety, Depression, Overthinking, and the oh so wonderful Anorexia. It was a real hoot with those four. 

She sat on her couch, leaning against the back as she held the cup of coffee in her hand. It was growing cold. She looked down at it before realizing how long how it had been to just...eat. Her mind screamed loudly as she through the cup across the room, jogging to her room to grab some clothes. After a quick shower, she put on her makeup. Lilith got her wings sharp and elegant as she looked at herself in the mirror. “If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna go out with a bang…” With that, she got dressed in her favorite crop top, a beanie, her favorite bunny stockings and skirt. She put in her nose ring and her lip ring before grabbing her back. “I’m gonna have the best goddamn day of my life.” With that, she snatched up her phone, calling her friends that she knew had an off day today.

She asked them to meet her, to have a day with her. It was more than likely the last they’d have with her if she did everything correctly. Doubtful. She was a fuck up. Being declined by everyone didn’t bother her, but it should have. She didn’t care. Lilith tugged on her combat boots before bouncing out of the house. She looked around before smiling. It was a genuine one. It surprised her, she believed she wasn’t capable of those anymore. Lilith jogged down her front steps before walking to her old drug dealers house. God, it had been so long since she even smoked weed. However, she’s going to do it now, one last time. 

After an hour of that, she went to a fast food joint and found herself ordering everything she could afford, happily devouring it. Time seemed to go slowly for her at this point. Throughout the day, she didn’t have a care in the world. She ignored her demons screaming at her. After all, they’d be quiet soon. They’d get what they want out of her. Come late afternoon, Lilith grinned and called Felix with the thought of ‘Fuck it’. If she was going to die, she needed him to know something. Hell, maybe even lose herself entirely. She nothing more to give to this world, not a damn thing. The phone rang a few times before the sound of Felix’s voice sounded on the other end with a chuckle. “You better be glad I just got on my break.”

Perfect. “Good. I’m going to see you. Be expecting me.” Without another word, she hung up and headed towards the hospital Felix worked at. For one more night, she’d fly close to the sun. A final, one night only show. She’d be the darling centerpiece a final time before the curtain fell on her performance of hurt, loneliness and everything in between. She was tired, so very exhausted. When she got there, she was met with a confused Felix. 

“Hey.”

“Hi. Got anywhere where no one will bother us for awhile? You doctors get hour long breaks, right?”

“Uh.. Yeah?” With that, Felix lead her to a part of the hospital where they wouldn’t be bothered. By god, if she had one last thing to give, it was her love. Or, what was left of it. In truth, this hurt the most of all out of all the pain she had faced alone. Felix would know how she felt, and then she would leave. Funny. She should be happy that her crush is going to know how she feels, but she didn’t feel happy at all. It actually felt like thorns against her sides. Lilith threw that fear and pain to the wind before slamming her chapped, yet somehow soft lips against his and holding onto the sides of his shirt. Felix was a bit taken aback but soon returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist. 

She pulled back slowly, gently kissing his nose before backing away. “I love you, and if I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. I can’t stay the whole hour, I have things I gotta do.” Lilith grinned before kissing him again and leaving the flustered Felix frozen in place. There. That’s all she had to give to this world. She’d given it all she could. Lilith stretched as she walked, mentally mapping out everything. The where, how, and when. Honestly, she’d write the why if she even had the will to do it. You know what? Lilith once again said fuck it. She would write the why. As she headed back home, she unlocked the door and headed to her bathroom.

She took a very long bath, rose petals and incense burning.  She relaxed, ignoring the burning on her sides, legs, and arms from the hot water against her wounds. Lilith laughed a bit, trying to imagine the mortician having to clean them all up. After a few hours of just soaking, she got out and dried off, dressing in the nicest pair of pajamas she had. Her anxiety flared. Everything she did throughout the day was a mistake and the feelings from it all finally surfacing. Her mind raced, screaming and tearing her down. Well, in a way, she asked for that. Even so, it still hurt. 

Lilith wrote down her “why” and also, an apology. After crying for what seemed like ages, she was left with an empty feeling. She walked off to her room after grabbing the pill bottle that would do the trick. Honestly, she just wanted to sleep. So, that’s how she was going to go. She was going to sleep, peaceful and just...fade away. She sat on her bed and decided she’d at least call a church hotline. A final blaspheme, right? She wasn’t surprised when no one answered, so instead she called Nari. She couldn’t even get to the first ring before a soft, gentle childish voice spoke. “Hello?”

“Nari?”

“Oh, hi! It’s kinda late, did you need something?” Nari gleefully chirped as she heard Felicity ask who she was talking to.  _ Stupid. Idiot. Don’t confess here, not to her. Don’t. You’re so close, you can do it. _

“Ah… Nari?”

“Hm?”

_ No. Don’t. You know you don’t want to tell her, you’re so close to just disappearing quietly. You’re almost finished. You can sleep, why did you call? _

“…How about you guys come over?”  _ No. Nononononononononononono. This isn’t what you want. Stop. _

“Oh! Hm… Okay! I’ll gather Felicity and Felix and we can go and have a big ol’ sleepover!” 

_ No. _ “Sure. The door’s unlocked.”

Click. Lilith started to cry in anger as she threw her phone across the wall. What had she done? She was so close to her end, to her being able to sleep forever. Whatever. She eyed the clock. She had about ten to fifteen minutes before they arrived if Nari isn’t rushing and running over with them, excited to come over. That’s all the time she needed. There’s still time, right? Maybe? Lilith growled, yelling at herself before wailing loudly and stood, knocking over her nightstand.

Weak. She cried loudly as she punched a wall, stumbling back and screaming at nothing. After tearing her room apart, she slowly sunk to her knees, reaching for the pill bottle with a trembling hand. A soft, comforting hand grabbed hers, followed by arms wrapping around her.

“Not today, okay..? Not today..” The soft voice of Nari snapped Lilith out of her violent episode as Nari, Felicity, and Felix just all hugged her, letting her sob violently. She hadn’t even heard the door open. So Nari  _ had _ rushed them. Their first time seeing this, and… And maybe the last. For now, just for today, she’ll rest in their arms and breathe. Maybe just a bit longer, after all, no matter how reluctant. Lilith turned in their arms and did her best to cling to the three. Yeah. Yeah, Lilith would stay with them a bit longer. She might hate it now, but she may not later. 


End file.
